I need to write. I need to get stuff out and i don’t know where to begin.
I’ve been at MCS for a little over SIX MONTHS now. I love it there and I’m so thankful for the friends and community I have there. All of my coworkers really do care about one another. There is a lot of change going on right now though, as of yesterday my co-teacher was fired. I was not expecting that and I really am freaking sad. For so many reasons, I just didn’t ever expect it to ever happen. It was talked about and brought up a few times. I guess part of me had a lot of hope that it would change with her and that she would do more and change a few different things. Sometimes I feel like it is my fault because I could of been a better co-teacher to her and let her know like “Hey, this is what were supposed to do and this is how we are meant to do it.” Shes also about to get married! What the heck, I know that shouldn’t be something you consider when you’re about to make a decision like that but still, its so sad. I have to remember though that as easy as it is to let myself believe that is was my fault, it wasn’t. There was personal stuff going on there that was happening before I ever joined the MCS team. All I can do at this point is just pray for her and continue to pray for her personally, financially, emotionally and spiritually. It was a bittersweet thing but I wouldn’t have a good leadership team if they didn’t make a decision like that.
My brother-in-law is preaching at his old church tomorrow. I guess its not his old church anymore because he and the family have decided to go back there. We got a new pastor, my brother-in-law resigned and they left the church. A few other have left and its a bummer. I have been through my fair share of people leaving the church and i tell myself that I’ve become indifferent about change like that but it still effects me. As much as I DON’T want to admit it, it hurts and it makes me super sad and bummed out. I don’t know if i should feel chained to a church. That’s what I’m feeling like right now. I’m pretty sure i’m jealous of all the people who are leaving and have left NCC. I just want change and I want to feel connected to the people i attend church with but I don’t feel that. Part of it is because of me, I don’t go out of my way to talk to people and see how they’re doing. I’m more purposefully trying to show that I don’t want to do anything and I keep thinking about how I want a break, I don’t want to serve right now. I like helping out but I partially feel like it’s a waste of time.
I tried to brush off the fact that my sister and the family have left. i was so mad, so so mad at first. Then I tried to ignore it and as weird as it is, as the holidays approach, it’s beginning to sting a lot more. I’m just sad, change is everywhere and I don’t want to accept it right now. I want everything to go back to how it was this time last year. I want us all to be on the same page and doing/going to the same things and knowing that the following day, we are actually going to see each other. I hate that people just aren’t “in my life anymore” I hate that it’s become “Yeah come over on Wednesday at 6” or “Meet us at Islands at around 3” I DON’T LIKE IT. I really don’t feel like I can talk to Evan about it either. There’s been a few times where I have expressed that I wanted to leave, I don’t and still don’t really know the reason why but i feel like he doesn’t get it. I don’t think he understands. I’m afraid of speaking up about this with him.
That’s another thing, i’m stupid. I’m impatient and I want a lot of things right now. But i don’t even want to talk about it directly. I’ve sort of taken on a “Will it ever happen” view on it. It’s sad and shame on me but I’ve kind of lost hope. THAT’S SO STUPID TO SAY because i’m pretty sure it’s still going to happen. I an’t stand that we talked about it so much though, it made me create these dumb expectations in my mind and its even worse now because so many of my co-workers are getting married, just got engaged, and are having babies. I don’t like bringing it up to my sister and brother-in-law because it doesn’t help. They know my frustrations and they have the same ones too. So its like fighting fire with fire. My flame just gets bigger whenever it is brought up. Not healthy.