Whats Going On???

I need to write. I need to get stuff out and i don’t know where to begin.

I’ve been at MCS for a little over SIX MONTHS now. I love it there and I’m so thankful for the friends and community I have there. All of my coworkers really do care about one another. There is a lot of change going on right now though, as of yesterday my co-teacher was fired. I was not expecting that and I really am freaking sad. For so many reasons, I just didn’t ever expect it to ever happen. It was talked about and brought up a few times. I guess part of me had a lot of hope that it would change with her and that she would do more and change a few different things. Sometimes I feel like it is my fault because I could of been a better co-teacher to her and let her know like “Hey, this is what were supposed to do and this is how we are meant to do it.” Shes also about to get married! What the heck, I know that shouldn’t be something you consider when you’re about to make a decision like that but still, its so sad. I have to remember though that as easy as it is to let myself believe that is was my fault, it wasn’t. There was personal stuff going on there that was happening before I ever joined the MCS team. All I can do at this point is just pray for her and continue to pray for her personally, financially, emotionally and spiritually. It was a bittersweet thing but I wouldn’t have a good leadership team if they didn’t make a decision like that.

My brother-in-law is preaching at his old church tomorrow. I guess its not his old church anymore because he and the family have decided to go back there. We got a new pastor, my brother-in-law  resigned and they left the church. A few other have left and its a bummer. I have been through my fair share of people leaving the church and i tell myself that I’ve become indifferent about change like that but it still effects me.  As much as I DON’T want to admit it, it hurts and it makes me super sad and bummed out. I don’t know if i should feel chained to a church. That’s what I’m feeling like right now. I’m pretty sure i’m jealous of all the people who are leaving and have left NCC. I just want change and I want to feel connected to the people i attend church with but I don’t feel that. Part of it is because of me, I don’t go out of my way to talk to people and see how they’re doing. I’m more purposefully trying to show that I don’t want to do anything and I keep thinking about how I want a break, I don’t want to serve right now. I like helping out but I partially feel like it’s a waste of time.

I tried to brush off the fact that my sister and the family have left. i was so mad, so so mad at first. Then I tried to ignore it and as weird as it is, as the holidays approach, it’s beginning to sting a lot more. I’m just sad, change is everywhere and I don’t want to accept it right now. I want everything to go back to how it was this time last year. I want us all to be on the same page and doing/going to the same things and knowing that the following day, we are actually going to see each other. I hate that people just aren’t “in my life anymore” I hate that it’s become “Yeah come over on Wednesday at 6” or “Meet us at Islands at around 3” I DON’T LIKE IT. I really don’t feel like I can talk to Evan about it either. There’s been a few times where I have expressed that I wanted to leave, I don’t and still don’t really know the reason why but i feel like he doesn’t get it. I don’t think he understands. I’m afraid of speaking up about this with him.

That’s another thing, i’m stupid. I’m impatient and I want a lot of things right now. But i don’t even want to talk about it directly. I’ve sort of taken on a “Will it ever happen” view on it. It’s sad and shame on me but I’ve kind of lost hope. THAT’S SO STUPID TO SAY because i’m pretty sure it’s still going to happen. I an’t stand that we talked about it so much though, it made me create these dumb expectations in my mind and its even worse now because so many of my co-workers are getting married, just got engaged, and are having babies. I don’t like bringing it up to my sister and brother-in-law because it doesn’t help. They know my frustrations and they have the same ones too. So its like fighting fire with fire. My flame just gets bigger whenever it is brought up. Not healthy.

Update 1.

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Change is Ah-coming!

The other day I was sitting and thinking, then it hit me. We have a new Pastor.

This past weekend could not have gone any better, it was still very hectic. It turned out better than I was expecting it to be. We got everything all done and ready for VBS and we successfully put together a Meet & Greet BBQ for our then potential Pastor. plenty of people who wanted to meet and chat with him made sure that they did so. It was the point of the BBQ and I am so glad that people too the time out of their day to come down and give him a pre-chance per-say.

They’ve been lovely so far and they have the sweetest little gal with another on the way. His wife is definitely more on the quieter side but it was also our first time getting to know and meet her. I hope with time she feels more comfortable around all of us and more than welcome. I am excited to see where God will lead them while they lead us.

But as I  was saying, it officially hit me that everything is set in stone now. We’re heading into a pretty big change and I am not going to lie, with the news of officially having a new Pastor I was also hit with a wave of fear. From what I know, there are a few people who are not happy about this change and that makes sense. Some I think might be mad for the wrong reasons but I am not going to dismiss their thoughts because they can think whatever they want and feel how ever they want. It is going to be oddly weird for me at least, not hearing my brother-in-law give a sermon in the morning on Sunday now. I’ve been so used to him teaching as the “head pastor” and the way he teaches is the only teaching I have been hearing for the past couple of years.

I am mainly afraid of people leaving and rejecting the new pastor. It’s sad to even think that but its reality. That happens. People do not take well to change and wont tolerate it if they can not have the old way back. I just hope and pray that as we get to know our new pastor more, we all approach this with an open mind and heart. Accepting that God has put him there for and with a reason. I trust that our pastor search committee truly looked to God during the past few months and followed him where he wanted them in making this decision.

With a bit of fear but most importantly trust in God, I know he will do good things with our new church leaders. It’s not in my hands but his and there is no need for me to worry for be afraid

He Knows, Even When I Don’t Ask.

There are a lot of things I want. Some I am vocal about, others I am not. I am vocal about the things I can get quickly, not so much about the things I need to “work” for or trust that God can provide for me. In the Bible it talks about God providing for you and fulfilling the desires of my heart. Like in the book of Psalms chapter 37 verse 4,

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

When I started to go to SOMA last summer, one of the things I loved about it was the community. I never really felt that at NCC. I know the importance of community and being able to rely and be with one another when it comes to the body but I have always felt that our church was never good at that. I am not talking about always because there were certain seasons when I felt connected. 

I have been wanting to leave my church but I have not been seeking God’s guidance with that decision. Sometimes it’s a more prominante thought on my mind, other times I never even think about it. I feel like I often know the reasons why, lack of community being one of them but I am still not even sure. There is a few more reasons I can think of but that’s not the point of this post today. 

Since being at MCS, not only has God placed me in the field of my dreams but he has also placed my in a field of community. I have not really talked to him about this or put it out there that I desire to be at a place where community is important and practice it but here he is. Listening to the desires of my heart and fulfilling them. I am aware that I am still only getting to know and learn about my sisters here but God has given me such comfort in know I can trust and go to my sisters for anything. They are such a blessing in my life and I could not be more grateful. 

In the third to last paragraph, I do not know what’s going to go on with that. If I am meant to leave, something will be figured out and God will send me where he wants me. If I am not meant to leave, God will reveal to me why he wants me there and help me understand why I am staying there. 

As for now, God has blessed me with a wonderful community in which I love and cherish so much already. I am beyond excited to see how we will grow as a family of sisters and servants. I am incredibly thankful for a God who is always listening even when I am too scared or shy to speak. 

Let’s Be Honest!

On Mondays I don’t go out to the big kid yard because I’m with my two year olds all day. So I technically see my older kids Tues – Fri. Only occasionally I will see them when I either go to the bathroom or am nearing towards the end of the school day. Today I went out onto the yard because my coworker need to take a few kids in to change their diapers so I switched with her and brought my two littles with me in the buggy. There was a few of the older kids still there so I said hello and hugged a few.

As i’m sitting there watches my little babes one of the little boys comes up to me saying my name and then he says “I love you Miss Tatiana”  talk about music to my ears. Children are so innocent, sweet, and honest. I mean They say this like all day long to whichever teacher is with them for the day but sometimes, you need to hear something like. Then it was shortly followed up you “You’re the best teacher” Owwwww, my heart! They make me so happy and to hear them say they love me, means the absolute world. I want them to know that they’re so loved and cherished by all of us. There’s nothing more I want for these kids than to be happy, feel confident, loved, and know about the Lord.

But my point to this little post and the story about a few of the kids saying they love me and think that I am the best teacher is that we need to follow in their steps. So often I stop myself from saying I love people. I often think it and keep it to myself. I need to be more vocal and open. You never know who might need to hear some words of encouragement that day but its not only about that. Its a good and simple way of letting our friends , families, even strangers know that they are appreciated and loved. We think and care about them. Be open, honest, and loving. It can flip the switch for people out there. Don’t be afraid of being that weirdo who is constantly saying I love you and you’re my favorite. If you love something that they do, let them know.

Little Nuggets about Leadership

Recently there has been some stuff going on again in one of the areas in my life. the past maybe 2 1/2 years has been a little hard. I feel like my position at my church is fake in a way. I feel like I have never been properly taught how to be a “leader” which kind of sounds weird because I should know. I know I lack in that area pretty badly and I do not want to be THAT person and blame it on someone else because they may have not taught me. I am going to try my hardest to not play the blame game but focus on a way that I can try and change what I know about leadership and what God expects of it from the leaders in his body.

 

Today I caught up on a devotional I started on the YouVersion app. Its of course one about Leadership since I want to know about it and what God expects of us. I want to be aware of Gods standards for his leaders in the church. So as a refresher for when I look back on this post I will be reminded of his vision for me and his people in general.

 

When it comes to character, it isn’t shaped by intellectual comprehension of truth. It’s forged by biblical truth that penetrates to the depth of the human heart. Which will only happens as we grapple and wrestle with God’s word and take time to contemplate the meaning of it and how we will apply it to our daily lives.

When we take time to read God’s word and study it, we let it sink in and start to take root in our heart and mind. We become aware of how truly powerful and all knowing he is and once he has revealed to us just how powerful he is, he instill a fear in us. Not a fear that makes us want to run away but the type of fear that shows respect and obedience.

  

then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.
– Proverbs 2 : 5

 

When you are a leader or become a leader you have a set of qualifications that are expected of you. It’s really awesome because what I learned for this devotional was that Samuel was fooled. We often judge people who we think will be good leaders based off of their looks and even social media pages nowadays. Because certain people can purchase specific things or maybe go on mission trips all the time or being the head of a group each camp, then surly God is going to pick that person to be the leader. BUT, I love this part, God does not pick us to be leaders based off of what we do outwardly. Yes doing things outwardly is a marvelous thing but God will always always always look at our inner self. Our inward character, as the devotional put it.

Here are a few quotes and bible verses from that devo that stood out to me a lot:

       “Qualifications for leadership is not measured by inches or pounds or degrees or background.”

 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
– 1 Samuel 16: 7

As a leader in a church you’re always making some type of decision. During the time that leads up to the final decisions, we are supposed to make sure that we look to God for guidance and what he wants for us and his body. Decision making is hard especially when you’re in charge of leading a big group of people who are trusting in where you help guide them. We’re the choice we make, we have to approach them in  a way that makes it just, right and fair. No matter what you will more than likely always end up with someone who is unsatisfied you cannot please everyone but you also have to remember that ultimately its not about pleasing people, its about pleasing God and being a good and faithful servant who obeys him.

Decision Making Highlights:

A leader must develop a disciplined and prudent character so that they will so what is right, just and fair.

The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel:

 To know wisdom and instruction,
    to understand words of insight,
 to receive instruction in wise dealing,
    in righteousness, justice, and equity;
 to give prudence to the simple,
    knowledge and discretion to the youth—
 Let the wise hear and increase in learning,
    and the one who understands obtain guidance,
 to understand a proverb and a saying,
– Proverbs 1: 1 – 6

 

A bit about Humility, it is so so so much easier accepting praise for ourselves and allowing our heads to inflate than it is to be humble and realize we are not this great human by our own doing. living in humility and being humble shows our fear in the Lord. Not the terrified fear but the fear that puts you in your place when it comes to knowing who is in charge and the most powerful. That being God. When we are good at what we do and accomplish, we are often rewarded and receive things, such as a promotion or bonuses or someone might even treat us to  a little something something. But someone who is humble will gain far greater wages. Stuff like storing treasure up in heaven.

 

There are strong people out there, both physically and emotionally. Often we look to a specific person because they motivate us and encourage us to better ourselves but a lot of the time I feel like we also end up envying them and become dependent on them. With anyone in our life that we admire, we began to start making a list of expectations that we expect for them to fulfill. People make mistakes though. They fail all the time, even multiple times in one day. No matter what, we cant look to others and God and expect for everything to be okay when it comes to living life daily.

Dependence on god Highlights:

When we make people the basis of our confidence, we experience rejection and disappointment again and again. But when God becomes the ultimate source of our confidence, we are never let down.

“Fear of man will probe to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe”
– Proverbs 29 : 25

Those who put more confidence in themselves or in other people than in God will find bitterness and disappointment in the end.

 

I am still learning. I will always still be learning. Slowly but surly God is revealing to me what it means to be a leader of his and I hope and pray that I will truly take this all to heart and allow him to transform me and grow me from my comfort zones. Pluck me from my comfy place and put me in the places and ares that you want me to bloom and take root in.

 

 

 

        

 

 

Where is He Taking Me Mow? 

Just this past Saturday I was talking to Evan about not starting school until Spring semester since I want to buy a car and not depend on my mother to take me to school and work anymore. He agreed with me that it made senses. So that was my plan, save up enough moolah to get a car by the end of this year or early next year. I believe it’s totally possible especially since I don’t really have a load of bills. So if I’m smart with my money and put aside a good amount from each check and not touch it, then I can do it.

Little did I know, God was going to reveal to me what he has in store. Monday night I checked my email and saw that I got a email from my boss with a subject that said “Let’s Meet” once I read it, I definitely knew what it was going to be about but being the goober that I am, I tried to not think about it too much just in case I was wrong and would be let down.

 
We tried to meet on Tuesday but we ran out of time. So we aimed for Wednesday on my lunch. Perfect. I was free a few minuets early and I ran into her. We went to her office and she let me know that a wonderful opportunity opened up. One of the lead teachers here will be stepping down because she is going back to school. She she opened up the position and offered it to me. I’ve only been here 1 month and a couple weeks. It isn’t me. It’s God. The confidence that he fills me with and readiness to kind of do whatever has opened up a cool chance. I will be taking to steps to becoming a lead teacher this Fall.
AND, I will be going to school! Today I filled out my application for Ventura community colleges like Moorepark which I’ve already been accepted to. The wonderful thing about it also is that it’s ONLINE. I won’t have to drive to Moorepark but can do it in the comfort of my home.

 
So it’s crazy. I decided for myself just this past Saturday that I won’t go to school until next year but God was like, “Oh Tatiana, my child. You will soon learn and see that I have different for you” and here I am. Filed for FAFSA, applied for community college, and starting to journey of becoming a preschool/daycare teacher.
No worries, no fear. Just trust, faith, and comfort from God.
PRAISE YOU JESUS.

God is on the Move Again

I wasn’t expecting to leave retail so soon. I’m young and not going to school, I figured that I had a few more years at Justice before I would leave or maybe even get a second job. 

I’ve always dreamed of working with children, I feel like it was something that I have had an interest in from a very young age. Babies are cute, no denying that. Toddlers are such a blast to be around. They all bring me so much joy. 

I knew retail wasn’t something I would want to do for the rest of my life but I was convinced that it was going to be something that I was stuck at for the rest of my life. I never desired to be a floor supervisor which was something that actually came true. I loved it while I did it for the last 9 months at Justice. But never once did I think while I was there that God was going to pluck me from my comfort zone and throw me into a whole new setting. 

I’ve successfully completed my first official month at MCS. I don’t think that I will go to school this fall semester, I’m saving up for a car and hopefully will be getting my drivers license by the end of July/Early August. If I pass, Lord willing! I’m really hoping to be able to save up enough to purchase one by the end of the year. I have a good amount saved right now, it a little compared to what other might have saved but I’m started! So for now I’m hoping to start up schooling at a near by community college for the spring semester. To be a teachers assistant you need a specific amount of credits to successfully hold onto that title and position. And you will need 12 to be fully certified in early childhood education. 

The director of Early Ed sent me an email today letting me know she would like to meet with her because there’s an exciting opportunity that has opened up. I don’t know what to think. I’m excited, in intrigued, interested, curious, but I’m also calm, cool, and collected. I have no idea what she has up her sleeve. I have no idea what has opened up. But whatever it is, I am ready. I am going to stay calm, relaxed, and open. Fear is not going to creep in and if or when it does I’ll know that I can lay my worry and fear upon Jesus. I shouldn’t worry about tomorrow but trust and know that God takes care of everything before I’m even aware of it and have time to start freaking out. I need to find my peace in the Lord and trust in his guidance. 

He has blessed me so much these past few months and I don’t know how I could ever thank him. He is a God who provides, loves, leads, and carries. He never lets me down and he’s constantly comforting me. 

Am I Tired of My Job Yet?

To put it simply, NO. 

With each week I complete at MCS, I walk away every Friday feeling so incredibly grateful for the job I have. It’s tiring, don’t get me wrong but being able to say that I get to hang around, play with, teach, love on, serve, and grow with these children is more than worth it.

 I get to hold sweet little hands all day long and have my legs squished to death because of their strong hugs. They let me be a dinosaur with them while we walk around and roar at everything. 

They’re honest and care for their classmates always, even though they may get into an argument here and there.

 It’s repetitive but I’ll always love having to teach them what sharing is and that everyone gets a turn. They often take a minuet to try to finish a sentence but I sit there with a smile on my face because they’re learning and growing. It’s such a marvelous thing to witness. 

I love these children so much and I will gladly take every opportunity I have to show and display that to them.

A New Level of Adulting

It’s absolutely mind blowing to think about life. I am entering into this new season of grown up stuff. I have a wonderful new job that is not only full time but in the field that I have always wanted to work in. I am serious about going to school and further pursuing my dream career. I love it way more that I thought I would and it’s insane because before I got the job, I contemplated whether I would actually like it or not! While working here, God has confirmed that I was meant to be at this place. I finally got my drivers permit! I more than likely going to take my drivers test to get my license by the end of July and I am trying to save up for my own car.

Evan has graduated from College! He made it through COC and Woodbury. He has gotten so many things done and even squeezed in an internship and tutoring job all while planning and throwing together 3 amazing Summer Vacation Bible Schools. He was able to balance me in the mix and most importantly, church. Sometimes it was hard, not being able to see him outside of Wednesday’s and Sunday’s. We saw each other and we got to spend a bit of time together but it was rare that we got our one on one time. Never once though did I ever think that he loved me any less. He had to get school done, he had to focus in order to finish his schooling. 

Since he has graduated, the talk of marriage has been popping up a lot more! He know it’s closer than it has been before. I have no idea when it’s going to happen, he’s talked about it being for sure by the end of this year. But I try not to put too much thought into it. I am also the type of person where I won’t believe something until it’s happening right then and there. I will react in the moment. I could know I am going to England in a month and it not hit me until I am stepping on the ground of England. But I’m not in a rush. Evan and I had to be patient for a long time. Along the way we sort of lost focus and turned it to other people but thankfully, we turned our eyes to God and in return he lead us to each other. I don’t mind waiting. It’s going to be so worth it when I get to spend the rest of forever with the love of my life. 

It’s Not Always Perfect

This is more of a personal thing today, I feel guilty. I think about things way too much especially when it comes to people liking me or not liking me. I want answers, I want to know why or if it’s even true. Will we ever get along? It’s because we’re in the beginning stages of knowing each other but it makes it extremely hard when you can so easily get along with everyone else. Plus the others that you are getting along with are willingly talking to you and trying to get to know you. 

I am beginning to think that it’s a personality thing. I’m not shy but I tend to it speak unless I have something to say, or am talked to. But if we chit chat I think that I am an easy person to talk to and get along with. I enjoy chatting and I enjoy listening, I believe for the most part I am more of a listener but when I need to respond I am also good at that too. 

Sometimes I’m a baby with these type of topics. I can’t explain how I feel and when I try to, I feel extremely dumb because I know I’m thinking too much about it. Also, when I try to talk to someone about it and explain how I’m feeling, that don’t totally understand. It’s hard for me to relay my feels but also, others tend to find whatever I’m thinking about that much of a big deal. 

I feel like this a lot in general. I felt this way at my last job and we eventually because friends and for the most part she was someone I enjoyed being friends with. It tends to be the type of person that comes off as wanting to be the head honcho but definitely isn’t. Maaaaybe one day but not at this current moment. They’re the type of person that seems like, because they’re been here longer than you, then they have to upper hand and can sort of boss you around. 

Not when it comes to the last statement, that’s true. They’ve been there longer, they know more and they can correct you and redirect you if you are doing something wrong. BUT they can do it in a way that is nice, gentle, understanding, patience , loving. I don’t want to feel like I’m being yelled out constantly, and talked down unto. It makes me uncomfortable and sometimes, quite honestly, not want to be near or work with you. It makes me want to avoid you and not converse.

Another point is, maybe she’s just that way. That’s how she is and that’s how she functions the best. That can be the way she works and is wired. Who knows, I don’t but I have time to learn and possibly grow closer with her. 

God put me here for a reason and this is just another thing I can lift up to him so he cause show me what I need to do and how I need to handle it in a way that he would. He is an amazing father and however he will lead me is right.